The Place of James Pain

So you know how to use a screw driver and have once seen a hard drive? Then you’ve no doubt already started up your own computer repair business.

After all that experience (read: failures) you’ve already had, you must be wondering why no one is calling you any more. I’m sure you’ve come to the conclusion that you need a website!

As you’re so capable with technology, there’s no reason why you can’t get this done yourself. After all, everyone else is expecting you to know everything these is about those computer things.

Use these simple tips and you’ll be well on your way to making yourself the perfect website that everybody will love.

1. Don’t waste your time picking a font. Times New Roman is the best font ever. It must be the best if it’s set to default on all browsers, but of course you knew that already.
2. Flash is called flash for a reason. Because it’s flashy! Put it in as many places as possible; the starting page, the menu system HECK! Why not have an animated mascot?! Don’t know how to use flash? Use gif’s you found somewhere on the internet! 16-bit dancing elephants are totally relevant!
3. Cut down work by using iframes. The advantage of iframes is that you can have one page with the header, menu and what not with an iframe in the middle that goes from page to page for all the text. People won’t expect you’ve moved the scroll bar from the far right of the screen to the middle, they’ll love it!
4. Sounds like success. Blow people away by putting music and sounds in your website. Make sure you hide or even get rid of the mute button, you don’t want people accidentally pushing it and missing out.
5. Robots don’t have wallets. You always hear people going on about making their websites accessible to ‘Yahoo’ or ‘Google’ robots. How stupid are they?! You’re selling to humans, not to robots. All that keyword stuff is a waste of time.
6. Word it up! Of course you can copy and paste from your new copy of Microsoft Word. There’s a reason it’s so expensive, because it can do everything!
7. Use full size photos in tiny spaces. The bigger the photo is, the more detail is has. Don’t worry about taking time to download the image, it’ll be worth it. After all, if they took the time to get to your website, they’ll be happy to wait a few minutes for all your masterpieces to load.
8. Hit it up with a counter. If you don’t have a hit counter at the bottom of the site, how will you know how many people have visited it?! Make sure you start with a high number, it’ll adds to your professionalism and ego.
9. Build as you go. You’re a busy guy with all your jobs, you don’t have the time to build a whole website. ‘In construction’ or ‘Coming soon’ pages are a very easy way of saving time writing the page and it makes it look like you’ve just gone through another expensive redesign, good for you! Not to mention they’ll have to contact you if they want to know what you’ve just cleverly masked like your prices.
10. Be economical and recycle. There’s ALOT of stuff on the web huh? Seen a picture or button you want to use on your own website? No problem! Just copy the address of the image and use it in your own website. Not only does this save you money from expensive storage and bandwidth charges, it saves the environment by re-using other peoples things.
11. Informative domain name. What does www.ifixpcs.co.uk tell you about that website huh? That’s right, NOTHING! It’s just a bunch of randomly placed letters that don’t mean anything. www.IFixProblemsWithYourComputerAndBillYouSensibilyWithANonContractableBut LegalingBindingAgreement.co.uk Much better!

There we have it! You’ll soon be known all over your town as the local PC guy. With a great website like that, you’ll no doubt be famous beyond your wildest dreams.